Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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