I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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