I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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