Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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