So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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