i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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