god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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