The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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