Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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