Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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