Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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