I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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