did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bar mat shot.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize