When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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