Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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