Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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