Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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