Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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