Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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