My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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