she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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