Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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