Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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