I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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