i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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