I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
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He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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