hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
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I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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