I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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