im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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