oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
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Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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