Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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