Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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