I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
should my penis look like a turkey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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