someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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