Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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(803): i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move. http://tfl.nu/ml5e

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(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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(912): She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious. http://tfl.nu/k9y8

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. http://tfl.nu/mkrc

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex http://tfl.nu/jq0b

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(407): Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off http://tfl.nu/jc13

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(760): View more from California

He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?

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(760): He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite? http://tfl.nu/b780

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(573): View more from Missouri

the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl

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(573): the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl http://tfl.nu/glhm

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(916): It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie. http://tfl.nu/mir1

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.

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(770): He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons. http://tfl.nu/t6wz

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(301): View more from Maryland

Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.

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(301): Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level. http://tfl.nu/wvpb

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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(215): You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you. http://tfl.nu/sg3o

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(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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(301): This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday http://tfl.nu/hzvp

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