Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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