Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
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Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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