Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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