I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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