we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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