I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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