What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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