I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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