I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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