At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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