Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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