The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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