I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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