does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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