Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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